there is so much..

i just dont know where to start.

Love life:

my heart and ego are waging war with each other.

why this person?

is this place so barren that i've hung on to the most unlikely choice?

a choice which begs a question that can never be answered. Or rather, i dont want it answered because i know very well that he's been cut,

and i'll never be her.

shau fun, my ego was winning and then he does something, and my heart answers. Damn it, it answers.

i was having a conversation with a friend the other day on the subject of chemistry- not of science but of the boy-meets-girl variety.

and he said, why do you need chemistry?

excuse me? i dont know about you but id like to date someone because we clicked on some level and not out of boredom or the fact that i want to move out of single-ville.

im not being picky and i wont settle.

swansea is barren. swansea is barren. it's the perfect place to study. and yet, there's that boy whose eye contact i crave but really, we have nothing to talk about.

contradictory rant i know. i technically like no one but maybe because of that i do like someone.

Studies:

i've been having serious doubts about engineering. i'm thinking i should've done something else, something that comes naturally, like a second skin- effortless and comfortable. Something like psychology or english lit.

but then, deep down im just making excuses. i'm like a guy who's about to get hitched and knows he will miss his batchelorhood so badly he's getting cold feet. And turning 21 did it for me.

21 is different. Its an age where responsibilities are no longer a priviledge but something that is expected of you. As a child i always prided myself in doing the responsible thing. I had a choice, and i was responsible. But now, i no longer have a choice, rather im obligated to do it. For now, it's summer placement, soon a job, then marriage and subsequetly maybe, someday, children.

21 is no different and yet, it is.

but im sucking it up and sticking to my guns. engineering it is. I enjoyed my trip to Airbus :) it was alot of fun. But these people are brilliant and the fact is im scared of being called stupid. Engineering - the men are brilliant and confident while the women are still very much second class. Tsuen, you've always wanted to rumble with the big boys, now buck up and show them what you got!!!

dont run from adulthood. dont run from your responsibilities.

sorry guys, heavy issues and internal struggles are the theme of this post.

also, contraditory rants.

I need prayer and i need people who can support me spiritually. I need direction.

i know this'll only get my parents worried. but what the hey i need to let it out. i'll expect a call. hohoho.

p/s: my 21st birthday was awesome tho! haha

pics are from the "heartempics" link

and now i have to get back to: Understanding race car dynamics