It was supposed to be an email to my mother..

.. then it turned into a good two paragraphs of ranting.

SO i decided to put it here instead of clicking the 'send' button.

what started as a reply to my mom's email:

yea i might check it out... thinking of applying for a summer internship with Centrica.. a gas company..prospects quite good, if you overlook the fact that it really has nothing to do with my course :P hahaha its more to chemical and mechanical..but as my course is mechanical based i thought: why the heck not? i mean its less intimidating than applying for an aerospace company.. geez mom i dont think i have wht it takes to be in aerospace...these ppl are HARD CORE..and im just some confused student who had to pick some course to get a degree..SIGH.

sometimes it feels like im stuck on an oarless dinghy, my fate determined by the fickle wind.

hahaha..drama queen

ended up being a rant on how confused and miserable i was:

sometimes it feels like i know where im going, or have an idea at least but im not entirely sure if thats where i want to go. So much so that, both my mind and body are united in their fight against my current direction by physically representing it as the dreaded sin: SLOTH. i am so lazy now, it's like i've lost my fear. My fear of failing, of not getting a good mark on an exam. There is no more fear and because of that i am totally lost. Kiasuness counts for something you know, it brings a sense of purpose, a direction. Well that's if you dont question what exactly you are doing and why. Then kiasuness will do you just fine. If not, if suddenly you wake up and realise that you have lost your kiasuness, your fear... well it feels like you were a pre-programed robot. You had a goal, an objective and then suddenly before you could complete it, someone cruelly reboots your motherboard. Reformats everything and forgets to input a new system, like a fully functioning computer without Windows XP home edition.

its funny i used the word 'cruel' instead of 'liberating'. I guess thats the difference between the asian and western way of thinking. It's a well known notion that the western world encourages their young to think, to question for THEMSELVES. No mindless zombies in classrooms getting fed with textbook info because "thats just the way it is". Well this isnt entirely true as the classrooms in UK are increaingly becoming like the ones in Malaysia. The opressor mimicking the oppressed? Well that's one giant leap backwards for mankind.

Why the heck did i want a challenge? I always make things difficult for myself. I wanted to play with the big boys. The men. I wanted to beat them at their own game. I wanted a CHALLENGE. Well good then Tsuen, cos now you're up to your ears in shit challenges.

shit shit shit.

shit.

You know, im sick of looking around and seeing ppl not questioning. Because then that makes it a norm. And because a norm silently bullies you into submission. And i am suffocating and struggling here, because i followed a norm and NOW, i dont want to anymore.

We like to convince ourselves everyday, that this is where we want to be, this is what we want to be doing or rather, that we have no choice. Our grandparents did it, our parents did it and now we are supposed to do it. Because idealism certainly does not put food on the table now does it?

Damn you Eve, for eating that apple.

sigh. ok so now how do you tell people who look up to you that you have no clue?